Resting

I’m home again for the second day in a row. Things have picked up in the miscarriage department and Dr. Awesome highly recommended resting today.

I’m feeling lots of love and support–from blog comments, friends and family. As is typical for me, I’m all sorts of weepy in response to such support. Many thanks to all.

I think once this whole miscarriage thing is over, I’ll probably do a blog post to document the process and symptoms. But for now, I just don’t feel like it. Instead I’m knitting and watching Harry P.otter.

So I leave you with a bit of sweetness from another blogger: http://www.tracerhawk.com/2012/02/wise-beyond-her-years.html

All over the place

Frog stayed home today from work.  She is feeling relatively ok, but wanted to take some time for herself.  I, on the other hand, feel down.  I went to work this morning thinking the distraction would help me.  After I met with my first client, I decided to cancel the rest of my day.  I wanted to hang on, tough it out, but I just couldn’t do it.

I have so much going on in my head right now.  I hate that my wife is going through this.  I hate the idea of her being in pain (which at this point she is not).

This pregnancy brought on a tremendous amount of anxiety for me.  I was worried about the pregnancy being ectopic, her losing a tube, or losing her life.  I wanted to protect her from anything bad happening to her and yet I had no control over this what so ever.  I’m not a control freak, but I like being able to control things.

I’m now a little afraid of getting pregnant.  We have decided to have me try next week and what if I start spotting?  Is my anxiety going to skyrocket because of my worries?  If I get pregnant right away, is Frog going to feel bad?

This month has been all over the place.  First our beautiful dog died, then my wife gets pregnant (happy moment) followed by huge anxiety related to the loss of the dog and pregnancy. We’ve also had thoughts of getting an alarm system (long story). I joined my gym and then had thoughts of needing to give up the gym because I need to start trying to get pregnant. Now we’re ending the month with inseminating me next week.

It’s a strange…

It’s a strange thing–knowing that something is over before it’s fully over.

I know that I’m miscarrying. Yesterday I went to the lab for another blood draw to check my hcg levels. It’s down to 61. I continue to spot, and more is sure to come soon.

Honestly, I had panicked on Sunday night (after the finale of Down.ton A.bbey–DA) when I used the toilet before bed and saw blood clots. I went to bed and tried hard not to wake Turtle with my weeping. She woke anyway. It was a tough night.

In some ways, Sunday night helped me start grieving. It gave me a bit of a reprieve this morning when I found out the hcg results while at work. I didn’t immediately weep. I was able to hold it together most of the day, though I teared up talking with Turtle and my mother on the phone and reading the responses from my family and friends via email and chat. Having already experienced some of my grief gave me a bit of an emotional cushion that carried me through much of the day. I did, however, leave work early.

Turtle and I are both home now. Turtle’s finally watching the first season of DA and is totally hooked. It’s a good distraction for us. She also made chocolate cupcakes for us and bought me a Diet C.oke (one of my comfort foods/drinks). We’re going to stay home, watch more DA, and take care of each other.

It’s happened. (Warning: TMI)

I actually vomited today. Oh joy.

Our friends took us to lunch — so sweet of them — and I overate. I shouldn’t have eaten my whole sandwich. I shouldn’t have eaten each and every french fry. I shouldn’t have had that second lemonade. Then we were in the car and heading home. I coughed a bit and tasted a small bit of phlegm. My gag reflex started getting unhappy.

I took some deep breaths. Turtle gave me a vomit bag we’d taken from a hospital room when we were there last year. She was insistent that I push the bag out (it was kind of collapsed on itself for storage). I was giving her a hard time — we show love by teasing each other — about how insistent she was being. She started talking about how she didn’t understand using things like bowls or buckets as vomit vessels since the vomit splashes back at your face.

At that was all it took.

Lesson of the story: When your pregnant wife is feeling nauseated, don’t discuss various vomiting techniques, tools, or splashes.

Post-script: I peed myself while vomiting.

To Turtle: I love you, but you drive me insane sometimes!

Pregnancy at Week 5

Turtle has an app that’s she’s using to keep track of everything. It has graphics to show you what your little one looks like at any given week. This morning, she told me that our little one is the size of an apple seed and looks like two penises (in a double-ended fashion). LOL.

First lesson of pregnancy

You will still worry.

Yes, I’m still peeing on a stick every day, sometimes twice a day. Yes, they are still all positive. However, we’ve been worrying a bit over some very light spotting. Of course, we know that spotting like this completely normal in early pregnancy. We have called the RE’s office (we took turns: Turtle yesterday, and me today), and the nurse assured us we are okay. We just need to keep an eye on it in case I get a heavier flow and/or I have cramping.

I also called and made appointments with an OB that was recommended to us. I’m not sure I’m happy with it. They have someone who handles all the initial intake stuff including a blood draw and ultrasound on the first visit. That’s okay with me, but I’m frustrated that we won’t even meet the OB for a brief get-to-know you at the end o the appointment. How do I know if this is the right OB and practice for me if I don’t even get to meet the OB yet? And if I wait until I meet her about four weeks later and decide it’s not a good fit, will the other OBs that have been recommended to me still be available? I’m not sure how to respond to this.

I’m thinking that for now I’ll go ahead and make an appointment with the other key OB I’m interested in. When we get closer to the appointments, maybe I’ll have figured out what to do.

Double Down

First hcg was 57. Second was was 107. Given that it was slightly less than 48 hours between test, the doubling time is just fine. I’m also hoping that it signals there is only one little sprout in there. We have an ultrasound scheduled with the RE is just over two weeks.

Meanwhile, I am battling a bit of nausea off and on throughout the day. There’s less nausea if I eat every couple of hours. I also occasionally have a heightened sense of smell. Yesterday I could have sworn someone was grilling some ribs. I’m also continuing to use the cheapie home pregnancy tests. It’s reassuring to see the line continuing to darken. It’s still not as dark as the control, but it’s getting there.

A bit more of the story, and a big THANK YOU!

Thank you all for your excitement! We are thrilled, in shock, happy, and trying to let it really sink in. We keep testing, hoping to see the lines keep getting darker. Our RE ordered HCG tests for today and Saturday, so we’ll know if the doubling time is okay or shows signs of problems. She also ordered a progesterone test and a basic chem panel.

The past seven days have been such a roller coaster. Our sweet dog J. came down with a very severe case of pneumonia. He was so miserable. Turtle was very brave in making the decision to end his distress. The vet was very supportive and kind. Afterwards, we spent the afternoon with our friends who had twins in December. Our friends bought us a yummy lunch and let us love on their babies. It was just the distraction we needed.

The weekend was very, very tough. We miss him so much. I had been hoping we’d get a BFP on Sunday (even though it was way too early), and thus we’d have a pregnancy to distract us. Alas, we didn’t get a BFP then. Tuesday morning I went to acupuncture. It was magical. Almost as soon as Dr. Awesome left the room and I closed my eyes, J. was there in my mind. He was running and goofing and chasing balls in the sunshine. Turtle’s late father was with him. He stayed with me the whole session. He was healthy, happy, and adorable. I just kept thinking how great he looked and how he would always have sunshine now. (He hated water–baths, rain, whatever.)

When I tested on Tuesday, I didn’t see a line. Turtle said she could see it. She showed a few friends who all said they could see a faint line. I still didn’t see it, and I refused to believe it. Then Wednesday morning, we tested again. I could see a very faint line. Turtle and I grinned, hugged, and other general “wow, we’re having a baby”-ness. Wednesday night, we use a test from another friend. This friend claimed it was the best early pregnancy test. The line was unmistakable, so we tried the digital.

Seeing “pregnant” on that digital test was one the best moments ever!

We went over to friends’ house to celebrate with fabulous gluten-free chocolate chip cookies. So yummy! I actually took the digital test with us. I just didn’t want to be separated from the proof that this was real.

So far, we’ve told the people who already know about this blog including our immediate families and a few friends. We plan to wait until the end of the first trimester to make it more public.

I’m just crossing my fingers that this little one (please, just one) sticks around.

OMG!

J.

Rest in peace, dear friend.